1
00:00:16,847 --> 00:00:20,681
Eyes, right!
2
00:00:27,006 --> 00:00:29,805
Eyes, right!
3
00:00:37,965 --> 00:00:39,239
[DING]
4
00:00:46,405 --> 00:00:47,480
You a bit cheesed off, sir?
5
00:00:47,564 --> 00:00:51,113
George, the day this war
began I was cheesed off.
6
00:00:51,204 --> 00:00:53,195
Within ten minutes of you turning up,
7
00:00:53,284 --> 00:00:54,479
I finished the cheese
8
00:00:54,564 --> 00:00:56,475
and moved on to the coffee and cigars.
9
00:00:56,564 --> 00:00:58,076
And at this late stage,
10
00:00:58,163 --> 00:01:00,393
I'm in a cab with two lady companions
11
00:01:00,483 --> 00:01:03,635
on my way to the Pink
Pussycat in Lower Regency.
12
00:01:03,723 --> 00:01:05,475
Oh, because if you are cheesed off,
13
00:01:05,563 --> 00:01:07,039
you know what would cheer you up?
14
00:01:07,123 --> 00:01:09,078
And that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
15
00:01:09,162 --> 00:01:11,473
Oh, I love old Chappers, don't you, Cap?
16
00:01:11,562 --> 00:01:13,473
Unfortunately, no, I don't.
17
00:01:13,562 --> 00:01:14,918
I find his films about as funny
18
00:01:15,002 --> 00:01:16,478
as getting an arrow through the neck
19
00:01:16,562 --> 00:01:20,031
and then discovering
there's a gas bill tied to it.
20
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:24,592
Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off!
21
00:01:24,681 --> 00:01:27,036
His films are ball-bouncingly funny.
22
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,350
Rubbish!
23
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,476
All right, let's consult
the men for a casting vote.
24
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,233
-Baldrick?
-Sir!
25
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,156
Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick.
What do you make of him?
26
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,470
Oh sir, he's as funny as a vegetable
27
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:41,109
that's grown into a rude
and amusing shape, sir.
28
00:01:41,199 --> 00:01:43,110
So you agree with me.
29
00:01:43,199 --> 00:01:44,195
Not at all funny.
30
00:01:44,279 --> 00:01:46,634
Oh come on, Skipper, play fair.
31
00:01:46,719 --> 00:01:47,635
In that last film of his,
32
00:01:47,719 --> 00:01:49,475
when he kicked that
fellow in the backside,
33
00:01:49,559 --> 00:01:51,274
I thought I'd die!
34
00:01:51,358 --> 00:01:53,394
Well, if that's your idea of comedy,
35
00:01:53,478 --> 00:01:55,154
we can provide our own without expending
36
00:01:55,238 --> 00:01:57,707
a ha'penny for the privilege.
37
00:01:57,798 --> 00:01:59,274
There, did you find that funny?
38
00:01:59,358 --> 00:02:01,153
Well, no of course not, sir,
39
00:02:01,237 --> 00:02:03,513
but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
40
00:02:03,597 --> 00:02:05,193
He certainly is a genius, George.
41
00:02:05,277 --> 00:02:06,433
He invented a way of getting paid
42
00:02:06,517 --> 00:02:07,473
a million dollars a year
43
00:02:07,557 --> 00:02:09,912
for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
44
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:11,472
Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
45
00:02:11,556 --> 00:02:12,751
What funny, sir?
46
00:02:14,916 --> 00:02:15,792
That funny.
47
00:02:15,876 --> 00:02:18,789
No sir, and you mustn't do that to me sir,
48
00:02:18,876 --> 00:02:22,470
because that is a bourgeois
act of repression, sir.
49
00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:23,909
What?
50
00:02:23,995 --> 00:02:26,145
Haven't you smelt it sir?
51
00:02:26,235 --> 00:02:29,271
There's something afoot in the wind.
52
00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:33,230
The huddled masses yearning to be free.
53
00:02:33,314 --> 00:02:37,069
Baldrick, have you been
to the diesel oil again?
54
00:02:37,154 --> 00:02:40,270
No, sir, I've been supping
the milk of freedom.
55
00:02:40,354 --> 00:02:42,469
Already our Russian comrades
56
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:44,669
are poised on the brink of revolution.
57
00:02:44,753 --> 00:02:46,309
And here too, sir,
58
00:02:46,393 --> 00:02:49,226
the huddled what's-names,
such as myself, sir,
59
00:02:49,313 --> 00:02:51,907
are ready to throw off
the hated oppressors
60
00:02:51,993 --> 00:02:53,348
like you and the lieutenant.
61
00:02:53,432 --> 00:02:55,468
Present company excepted, sir.
62
00:02:55,552 --> 00:02:57,463
Go and clean out the latrines.
63
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,668
Yes sir, right away, sir.
64
00:03:00,552 --> 00:03:03,587
Now, the reason why Chaplin is so funny
65
00:03:03,671 --> 00:03:05,981
is because he's part of
66
00:03:06,071 --> 00:03:07,547
the great British music hall tradition.
67
00:03:07,631 --> 00:03:10,225
Oh yes, the great
British music hall tradition.
68
00:03:10,311 --> 00:03:13,462
Two men with incredibly
unconvincing cockney accents,
69
00:03:13,550 --> 00:03:14,466
going, "What's up with you, then?"
70
00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:15,466
"What's up with me, then?"
71
00:03:15,550 --> 00:03:16,466
"Yeah, what's up with you, then?"
72
00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:17,866
"I'll tell you what's up with me…"
73
00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,706
"I'm right round off,
that's what's up with me."
74
00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:22,346
Get on with it!
75
00:03:22,430 --> 00:03:24,625
Now, sir, that was funny!
76
00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:27,345
You should go on the boards yourself!
77
00:03:27,429 --> 00:03:28,985
Thank you, George, but if you don't mind,
78
00:03:29,069 --> 00:03:31,185
I'd rather have my
tongue beaten wafer-thin
79
00:03:31,269 --> 00:03:35,179
by a steak tenderizer and
then stapled to the floor
80
00:03:35,268 --> 00:03:37,942
with a croquet hoop.
81
00:03:38,028 --> 00:03:39,904
Sir, sir, it's all over the trenches!
82
00:03:39,988 --> 00:03:41,944
Well, mop it up then.
83
00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:43,824
No, sir, the news!
84
00:03:43,908 --> 00:03:46,262
The Russian Revolution has started.
85
00:03:46,347 --> 00:03:49,499
The masses have risen
up and shuttled their nobs!
86
00:03:49,587 --> 00:03:51,143
Well, hurrah!
87
00:03:51,227 --> 00:03:54,458
Oh, no, the bloody Russians
have pulled out of the war.
88
00:03:54,547 --> 00:03:56,742
Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we sir?
89
00:03:56,826 --> 00:04:00,702
Miserable slant-eyed,
sausage-eating swine.
90
00:04:00,786 --> 00:04:03,502
The Russians are on our side, George.
91
00:04:03,586 --> 00:04:04,621
Are they?
92
00:04:04,706 --> 00:04:06,461
And they've abandoned the eastern front.
93
00:04:06,545 --> 00:04:08,456
And they've overthrown Nicholas II
94
00:04:08,545 --> 00:04:10,456
who used to be bizarre.
95
00:04:10,545 --> 00:04:13,617
Who used to be the czar, Baldrick.
96
00:04:14,945 --> 00:04:16,740
The point is that now the Russians
97
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,180
have made peace with the
Kaiser, at this very moment,
98
00:04:19,264 --> 00:04:20,900
over three quarters of a million Germans
99
00:04:20,984 --> 00:04:22,100
are leaving the Russian front
100
00:04:22,184 --> 00:04:24,460
and coming over here
with the express purpose
101
00:04:24,544 --> 00:04:26,819
of using my nipples for target practice.
102
00:04:26,903 --> 00:04:28,299
There's only one thing for it,
103
00:04:28,383 --> 00:04:29,459
I'm going to have to desert,
104
00:04:29,543 --> 00:04:31,454
and I'm going to do it right now.
105
00:04:31,543 --> 00:04:33,136
Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
106
00:04:33,223 --> 00:04:34,293
No, sir.
107
00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:35,979
Well, I'm relieved to hear
it, because I need you
108
00:04:36,063 --> 00:04:38,975
to help me shoot some deserters later on.
109
00:04:39,062 --> 00:04:42,816
There have been subversive
mutterings amongst the men.
110
00:04:42,902 --> 00:04:45,178
You'll recall the French
army last year at Verdun
111
00:04:45,262 --> 00:04:46,458
where the top echelons suffered
112
00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:49,613
from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
113
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:51,977
Yes sir, but surely that was traced
114
00:04:52,061 --> 00:04:54,257
to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
115
00:04:54,341 --> 00:04:55,456
Nonsense, Blackadder!
116
00:04:55,541 --> 00:04:58,336
It was bolshiness… Plain bolshiness!
117
00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:00,456
And now that the
Russkies have followed suit,
118
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:03,096
I'm damned if I'm gonna let
the same thing happen here.
119
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:05,096
Oh, and what are you
going to do about it, sir?
120
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,330
We're going to have a concert party
121
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:09,295
to boost the men's morale.
122
00:05:09,379 --> 00:05:11,655
A concert party. Well, hurrah!
123
00:05:11,739 --> 00:05:15,448
You fancy an evening at a
concert party, Blackadder?
124
00:05:15,539 --> 00:05:17,927
Well, frankly sir, I'd
rather spend an evening
125
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:19,814
on top of a stepladder in no-man's-land
126
00:05:19,898 --> 00:05:21,571
smoking endless cigarettes
127
00:05:21,658 --> 00:05:23,968
through a luminous balaclava.
128
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:28,094
Yes, I didn't think it would
be quite your cup of tea.
129
00:05:28,178 --> 00:05:31,413
But I do need someone to
help me organize it, you know.
130
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,330
Obviously not a tough,
grizzled soldier like yourself,
131
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,213
but some kind of damp-eyed Nancy-boy
132
00:05:37,297 --> 00:05:38,692
who'd be prepared to spend
133
00:05:38,776 --> 00:05:40,812
the rest of the war in
the London Palladium.
134
00:05:40,896 --> 00:05:44,446
The show's going to the
London Palladium, sir?
135
00:05:44,536 --> 00:05:45,731
Oh, yes, of course.
136
00:05:45,816 --> 00:05:47,892
It's no good crushing
a revolution over here
137
00:05:47,976 --> 00:05:49,451
only to get back home to Blighty
138
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:51,411
and find that everyone's wearing overalls
139
00:05:51,495 --> 00:05:54,408
and breaking wind in
the palaces of the mighty.
140
00:05:54,495 --> 00:05:55,891
Good point, sir.
141
00:05:55,975 --> 00:05:57,131
Now, the thing is, Blackadder,
142
00:05:57,215 --> 00:05:58,451
finding a man to organize a concert party
143
00:05:58,535 --> 00:05:59,850
is going to be damn difficult.
144
00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:02,410
So, I've come up with rather
a cunning set of questions
145
00:06:02,494 --> 00:06:05,370
with which to test the
candidate's suitability for the job.
146
00:06:05,454 --> 00:06:07,610
And what sort of questions
would these be, sir?
147
00:06:07,694 --> 00:06:09,446
Well, the first question is,
148
00:06:09,534 --> 00:06:11,169
"Do you like Charlie Chaplin?"
149
00:06:11,253 --> 00:06:13,085
Ah.
150
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,483
Dismissed, Lieutenant.
151
00:06:15,573 --> 00:06:16,729
"Do you like Charlie Chaplin?"
152
00:06:16,813 --> 00:06:18,489
Yes, that is a good
question for a candidate,
153
00:06:18,573 --> 00:06:20,608
to which my answer would of course be
154
00:06:20,692 --> 00:06:22,285
"Yes, I love him."
155
00:06:22,372 --> 00:06:24,608
Love him, sir, particularly
the amusing kicks.
156
00:06:24,692 --> 00:06:28,288
-But, sir, I thought you said…
-Goodbye, George.
157
00:06:28,372 --> 00:06:31,847
And the second question
is, "Do you like music hall?"
158
00:06:31,931 --> 00:06:35,083
Ah, yes, another good question, sir.
159
00:06:35,171 --> 00:06:36,447
Again, my answer would have to be
160
00:06:36,531 --> 00:06:38,442
"Yes, absolutely love it."
161
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:42,046
♪ Oops, Mr. Rothschild,
'ows yer apples and pears ♪
162
00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:43,484
Umm, yes.
163
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:44,726
Well, it's my view,
Blackadder, that the kind
164
00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:47,446
of person who would
answer "yes" to both questions
165
00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:49,043
would be ideal for the jo…
166
00:06:50,330 --> 00:06:52,445
Wait a minute!
167
00:06:52,529 --> 00:06:53,245
What, sir?
168
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:56,045
Why, without knowing it, Blackadder,
169
00:06:56,129 --> 00:06:58,643
you've inadvertently shown me
170
00:06:58,729 --> 00:07:00,800
that you could do the job.
171
00:07:00,889 --> 00:07:03,604
Have I, sir?
172
00:07:03,688 --> 00:07:05,520
Yes, sir! You have, sir!
173
00:07:05,608 --> 00:07:07,838
And I want you to start work straightaway.
174
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,724
A couple of shows over the weekend,
175
00:07:09,808 --> 00:07:10,764
and if all goes well,
176
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,441
we'll start you off in London next Monday.
177
00:07:13,527 --> 00:07:15,962
Oh, damn.
178
00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:19,438
If you need any help
fetching and carrying,
179
00:07:19,527 --> 00:07:21,163
backstage and so on,
180
00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:22,443
I'll lend you my driver if you like.
181
00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:23,755
Bob!
182
00:07:26,566 --> 00:07:28,562
Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, sir!
183
00:07:28,646 --> 00:07:31,001
All right, at ease, Bob, stand easy.
184
00:07:31,086 --> 00:07:32,202
Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
185
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:34,081
Bob?
186
00:07:34,165 --> 00:07:36,441
Good morning, sir.
187
00:07:36,525 --> 00:07:38,436
Unusual name for a girl.
188
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:41,241
Well, yes, it would be
an unusual name for a girl,
189
00:07:41,325 --> 00:07:43,361
but it's a perfectly straightforward name
190
00:07:43,445 --> 00:07:44,800
for a young chap like you, eh, Bob?
191
00:07:44,884 --> 00:07:47,760
Now, Bob, I want you to bunk
up with Captain Blackadder
192
00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:49,720
for a couple of days, all right?
193
00:07:49,804 --> 00:07:50,760
Yes, sir.
194
00:07:50,844 --> 00:07:52,039
I think you'll find Bob
195
00:07:52,124 --> 00:07:53,440
just the man for this job, Blackadder.
196
00:07:53,524 --> 00:07:55,958
He has a splendid sense of humor.
197
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,432
He, sir? He? He?
198
00:07:58,523 --> 00:08:00,514
You see, you're laughing already!
199
00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:03,999
Well, Bob, I'll leave you two together.
200
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:05,838
Why don't you get to know each other,
201
00:08:05,922 --> 00:08:07,078
play a game of cribbage,
202
00:08:07,162 --> 00:08:08,438
have a smoke, something like that.
203
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,558
They tell me that Captain Blackadder
204
00:08:09,642 --> 00:08:12,395
has rather a good line in rough shag.
205
00:08:13,682 --> 00:08:17,356
I'm sure he'd be happy to fill your pipe.
Carry on.
206
00:08:20,081 --> 00:08:21,797
So you're a "chap," are you, Bob?
207
00:08:21,881 --> 00:08:23,437
Oh, yes, sir.
208
00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,353
[LAUGHS DEEPLY, GROWLS]
209
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,432
You wouldn't say you were a girl at all?
210
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,236
Oh, definitely not, sir.
211
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:35,196
I understand cricket, I
fart in bed, everything.
212
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,435
Let me put it another way, Bob.
213
00:08:36,519 --> 00:08:38,555
You are a girl,
214
00:08:38,639 --> 00:08:40,795
and you're a girl with as
much talent for disguise
215
00:08:40,879 --> 00:08:42,195
as a giraffe in dark glasses
216
00:08:42,279 --> 00:08:45,555
trying to get into a "Polar
Bears Only" golf club.
217
00:08:45,639 --> 00:08:48,790
Oh, sir, please don't give me away, sir.
218
00:08:48,878 --> 00:08:51,234
I just wanted to be like
my brothers and join up.
219
00:08:51,318 --> 00:08:54,987
I want to see how a
war is fought, so badly.
220
00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:57,432
Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.
221
00:08:57,517 --> 00:08:59,473
A war hasn't been fought this badly
222
00:08:59,557 --> 00:09:02,273
since Olaf the Hairy,
high chief of all the Vikings,
223
00:09:02,357 --> 00:09:04,746
Accidentally ordered
80, 000 battle helmets
224
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:08,067
with the horns on the inside
225
00:09:08,156 --> 00:09:11,032
I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
226
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:12,432
Oh, really?
227
00:09:12,516 --> 00:09:14,392
I'll do anything, sir!
228
00:09:14,476 --> 00:09:17,467
Yes, I'd keep that to
yourself, if I was you.
229
00:09:17,555 --> 00:09:20,431
All right Bob, the second half starts with
230
00:09:20,515 --> 00:09:23,391
Corporals Smith and Johnson
as the three silly twerps.
231
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:24,431
All right, sir.
232
00:09:24,515 --> 00:09:27,552
The big joke being
there's only two of them.
233
00:09:28,674 --> 00:09:32,429
[CHUCKLES] I love that!
That always cracks me up, sir.
234
00:09:32,514 --> 00:09:36,189
Followed by Baldrick's
impersonation of Charlie Chaplin.
235
00:09:42,513 --> 00:09:45,426
Yes. Bob, take a telegram.
236
00:09:45,513 --> 00:09:49,426
"Mr. C. Chaplin, Sennett
Studios, Hollywood, California.
237
00:09:49,512 --> 00:09:50,547
"Congrats." Stop.
238
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,428
"Have discovered only person in world
239
00:09:52,512 --> 00:09:54,148
less funny than you." Stop.
240
00:09:54,232 --> 00:09:56,428
"Name, Baldrick." Stop.
241
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:57,908
"Yours, E. Blackadder." Stop.
242
00:09:57,992 --> 00:09:59,504
Oh, and put a PS.
243
00:09:59,591 --> 00:10:02,026
"Please, please, please" stop.
244
00:10:03,111 --> 00:10:05,907
And then after that we
have, ladies and gentlemen,
245
00:10:05,991 --> 00:10:09,509
-the highlight of our show…
-[SINGSONG] Da-daa…
246
00:10:14,670 --> 00:10:18,425
I feel fantastic!
247
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:22,463
Gorgeous Georgina, the
traditional soldier's drag act.
248
00:10:22,549 --> 00:10:25,985
You look absolutely lovely, sir.
249
00:10:26,069 --> 00:10:28,424
Baldrick, you are
either lying, blind or mad.
250
00:10:28,509 --> 00:10:31,624
The lieutenant looks like all
soldiers look on these occasions,
251
00:10:31,708 --> 00:10:33,984
about as feminine as W.G. Grace.
252
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,784
What are you gonna give 'em, George?
253
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,781
Well, I thought one or two cheeky gags,
254
00:10:38,868 --> 00:10:42,223
followed by "She Was Only
the Ironmonger's Daughter,"
255
00:10:42,307 --> 00:10:46,016
"but She Knew a Surprising
Amount About Fish, as Well"
256
00:10:47,107 --> 00:10:48,859
Inspired.
257
00:10:48,947 --> 00:10:50,662
Well, at least you made
an effort with the dress.
258
00:10:50,746 --> 00:10:51,942
What about your costume, Baldrick?
259
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,422
I'm in it, sir.
260
00:10:53,506 --> 00:10:54,541
I see.
261
00:10:54,626 --> 00:10:58,102
So your Charlie Chaplin
costume consists of that hat.
262
00:10:58,186 --> 00:11:03,581
Yes, sir, except that in
this box, I have a dead slug
263
00:11:03,665 --> 00:11:05,895
as a brilliant false mustache.
264
00:11:07,185 --> 00:11:09,415
Yes, only quite brilliant, I fear.
265
00:11:09,505 --> 00:11:11,381
How, for instance, are
you to attach it to your face?
266
00:11:11,465 --> 00:11:12,693
Well, I was hoping to
267
00:11:12,784 --> 00:11:15,060
persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
268
00:11:15,144 --> 00:11:17,420
Baldrick, the slug is dead.
269
00:11:17,504 --> 00:11:19,415
If it failed to cling on to life,
270
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,256
I see no reason why it should wish
271
00:11:21,344 --> 00:11:23,414
to cling on to your upper lip.
272
00:11:23,503 --> 00:11:25,733
Baldrick, Baldrick, come over here.
273
00:11:25,823 --> 00:11:27,379
Slugs are always a problem.
274
00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:28,419
What you've got to do is
275
00:11:28,503 --> 00:11:30,139
screw your face up like this, you see,
276
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,018
and then you can clamp it
between your top lip and your nose.
277
00:11:33,102 --> 00:11:34,376
What? Like this, sir?
278
00:11:34,462 --> 00:11:36,418
That's it. Splendid!
279
00:11:36,502 --> 00:11:39,938
Sir, sir, there's a visitor to see you.
280
00:11:40,022 --> 00:11:42,657
Good Lord… Mr. Chaplin!
281
00:11:42,741 --> 00:11:45,415
This is indeed an honor.
282
00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:47,417
Why, it calls for some
sort of celebration.
283
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:48,900
Baldrick, Baldrick!
284
00:11:51,021 --> 00:11:53,580
Sir, that is extraordinary, because…
285
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,256
Because, you see,
this isn't Chaplin at all…
286
00:11:58,340 --> 00:11:59,853
This is Baldrick!
287
00:11:59,940 --> 00:12:03,410
Yes, it's me, sir!
288
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:07,129
I know, I know.
289
00:12:07,219 --> 00:12:09,335
I was, in fact, being sarcastic.
290
00:12:09,419 --> 00:12:12,055
Oh, I see.
291
00:12:12,139 --> 00:12:14,534
Everything goes above
your head, doesn't it, George?
292
00:12:14,618 --> 00:12:17,497
You should go to Jamaica
and become a limbo dancer.
293
00:12:18,618 --> 00:12:21,007
[APPLAUSE]
294
00:12:22,178 --> 00:12:24,691
They love him, sir. We're a hit!
295
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,688
Yes, in one short evening, I've become
296
00:12:26,777 --> 00:12:28,133
the most successful impresario
297
00:12:28,217 --> 00:12:31,130
since the manager of the
Roman Coliseum thought of putting
298
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:33,413
the Christians and the
lions on the same bill.
299
00:12:33,497 --> 00:12:37,410
Sir, some people seem
to think that I was best!
300
00:12:37,496 --> 00:12:38,406
Would you agree?
301
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:39,732
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests,
302
00:12:39,816 --> 00:12:42,172
there are tribes of Indians
as yet untouched by civilization
303
00:12:42,256 --> 00:12:43,892
who have developed
304
00:12:43,976 --> 00:12:46,611
more convincing Charlie
Chaplin impressions than yours.
305
00:12:46,695 --> 00:12:48,766
Thank you very much, sir.
306
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,493
He's coming off.
307
00:12:51,735 --> 00:12:53,611
What do you think, Bob, one more?
308
00:12:53,695 --> 00:12:55,890
God, I love the theater!
309
00:12:58,494 --> 00:13:01,168
It's in my blood and in my soul!
310
00:13:01,254 --> 00:13:02,650
Baldrick, put those in
some water, will you?
311
00:13:02,734 --> 00:13:04,452
Yes, sir.
312
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,724
I need that applause in the same way
313
00:13:08,813 --> 00:13:13,329
that an ostler needs his… ostle.
314
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:14,809
Well done, sir!
315
00:13:14,893 --> 00:13:19,125
No, really, I was hopeless.
I mean, tell me honestly, sir,
316
00:13:19,212 --> 00:13:21,601
-I was, wasn't I?
-Well…
317
00:13:21,692 --> 00:13:24,525
Come on, sir, out with it,
I was hopeless, wasn't I?
318
00:13:24,612 --> 00:13:26,448
You're trying to be nice
and that's very sweet of you,
319
00:13:26,532 --> 00:13:28,527
but sir, please, I can
take it, I was hopeless.
320
00:13:28,611 --> 00:13:32,081
George, you were bloody awful.
321
00:13:32,171 --> 00:13:34,447
[SOBBING]
322
00:13:34,531 --> 00:13:36,367
But you can't argue with the box office.
323
00:13:36,451 --> 00:13:39,006
Personally, I thought you were the
least convincing female impressionist
324
00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:41,086
since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag
325
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:42,604
and ate her lipstick.
326
00:13:42,690 --> 00:13:44,966
But I'm clearly in a minority.
327
00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:47,485
Look out London, here we come!
328
00:13:52,489 --> 00:13:53,445
Ah, Captain Darling.
329
00:13:53,529 --> 00:13:55,245
Ah, Captain Blackadder.
330
00:13:55,329 --> 00:13:58,124
I must say, I had an
absolutely splendid evening.
331
00:13:58,208 --> 00:13:59,684
Oh, glad you enjoyed the show.
332
00:13:59,768 --> 00:14:01,164
The show?
333
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:03,683
I didn't go to the show.
334
00:14:03,768 --> 00:14:05,520
Important regimental business.
335
00:14:05,608 --> 00:14:07,404
A lorry load of paper clips arrive?
336
00:14:07,488 --> 00:14:10,957
Two lorry loads, actually.
337
00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:16,681
Ah… Welcome to the great director…
[CHUCKLES] Maestro!
338
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:18,121
You enjoyed it, sir?
339
00:14:18,207 --> 00:14:20,038
Well, it was mostly awful,
340
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,845
but I enjoyed the slug-balancer.
341
00:14:24,326 --> 00:14:26,715
Ah! Private Baldrick, sir.
342
00:14:26,806 --> 00:14:27,841
That's right, yes.
343
00:14:27,926 --> 00:14:29,481
The slug fell off a couple of times,
344
00:14:29,565 --> 00:14:32,201
but you can't have everything, can you?
345
00:14:32,285 --> 00:14:34,241
I'd just suggest a bit more practice
346
00:14:34,325 --> 00:14:37,477
and perhaps a little
sparkly costume for the slug.
347
00:14:37,565 --> 00:14:40,360
I'll pass that on, sir.
348
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:42,560
But I do have certain other reasons
349
00:14:42,644 --> 00:14:45,598
for believing the show to
be nothing but a triumph.
350
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:48,517
Captain Darling has
your travel arrangements,
351
00:14:48,604 --> 00:14:51,197
ticket to Dover, rooms
at the Ritz and so forth.
352
00:14:51,283 --> 00:14:52,239
Thank you, sir.
353
00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:56,439
However, there is one small
thing you might do for me.
354
00:14:56,523 --> 00:14:58,479
Yes?
355
00:14:58,563 --> 00:15:01,395
Captain Blackadder, I should esteem it
356
00:15:01,482 --> 00:15:03,598
a signal honor if you would allow me
357
00:15:03,682 --> 00:15:05,434
to escort your leading lady
358
00:15:05,522 --> 00:15:07,238
to the regimental ball this evening.
359
00:15:07,322 --> 00:15:09,472
My leading lady?
360
00:15:09,562 --> 00:15:10,877
The fair Georgina.
361
00:15:10,961 --> 00:15:13,316
Ah, ha-ha, very amusing.
362
00:15:13,401 --> 00:15:15,153
You think she'd laugh in my face?
363
00:15:15,241 --> 00:15:16,637
I'm too old, too crusty?
364
00:15:16,721 --> 00:15:19,395
Uh, no, no.
365
00:15:19,481 --> 00:15:22,556
It's just that as her director,
I'm afraid I could not allow it.
366
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,316
I could always find another
director who would allow it.
367
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,036
Quite.
368
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:28,633
I'll see what I can do,
369
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,756
but I must insist that
she be home by midnight
370
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,875
and that there be no
hanky-panky, sir, whatsoever.
371
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:36,315
I shall, of course, respect
your wishes, Blackadder.
372
00:15:36,399 --> 00:15:38,635
However I don't think you
need to be quite so protective.
373
00:15:38,719 --> 00:15:40,635
I'm sure she's a girl with
a great deal more spunk
374
00:15:40,719 --> 00:15:42,231
than most women you'll find.
375
00:15:43,718 --> 00:15:45,629
Oh, dear me.
376
00:15:45,718 --> 00:15:47,434
Absolutely not, sir.
377
00:15:47,518 --> 00:15:50,394
It's profoundly immoral,
and utterly wrong.
378
00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:51,314
I will not do it.
379
00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:53,153
We can always find another leading lady.
380
00:15:53,237 --> 00:15:55,353
Well, the dress will need a clean.
381
00:15:55,437 --> 00:15:56,666
Excellent.
382
00:15:56,757 --> 00:15:58,350
Now, the important thing is
383
00:15:58,437 --> 00:15:59,953
that Melchett should,
under no circumstances,
384
00:16:00,037 --> 00:16:01,391
realize that you're a man.
385
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:02,910
Yes, yes, I understand that.
386
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:05,829
In order to ensure this,
there are three basic rules.
387
00:16:05,916 --> 00:16:09,345
One, you must never…
I repeat, never… Remove your wig.
388
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,870
All right.
389
00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:12,629
Second, never say anything.
390
00:16:12,716 --> 00:16:14,791
I'll tell him at the
beginning of the evening
391
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:17,151
that you're saving your voice
for the opening night in London.
392
00:16:17,235 --> 00:16:18,911
Excellent, sir. And what's the third?
393
00:16:18,995 --> 00:16:20,431
The third is most important…
394
00:16:20,515 --> 00:16:23,473
Don't get drunk and let him
shag you on the veranda.
395
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,231
[GROWLING HAPPILY]
396
00:16:30,514 --> 00:16:32,230
How do I look, Darling?
397
00:16:32,314 --> 00:16:34,429
Girl-bait, sir.
398
00:16:34,513 --> 00:16:36,469
Pure bloody girl-bait.
399
00:16:36,553 --> 00:16:38,385
Mustache bushy enough?
400
00:16:38,473 --> 00:16:40,384
Like a private hedge, sir.
401
00:16:40,473 --> 00:16:42,749
Good, because I want to catch
402
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:46,544
a particularly beautiful
creature in this bush tonight.
403
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,188
I'm sure you'll be combing women
404
00:16:48,272 --> 00:16:50,228
out of your mustache for weeks, sir.
405
00:16:50,312 --> 00:16:53,384
God, it's a spankingly beautiful world,
406
00:16:53,472 --> 00:16:55,347
and tonight's my night.
407
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,387
I know exactly what I'll say to her.
408
00:16:57,471 --> 00:16:58,427
"Darling…"
409
00:16:58,511 --> 00:16:59,865
Yes, sir?
410
00:16:59,951 --> 00:17:01,066
What?
411
00:17:01,151 --> 00:17:03,027
Um, I don't know, sir.
412
00:17:03,111 --> 00:17:05,181
-Well, don't butt in!
-Sorry, sir.
413
00:17:05,270 --> 00:17:07,386
"I want to make you happy, darling."
414
00:17:07,470 --> 00:17:09,186
Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
415
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:11,386
Will you kindly stop interrupting!
416
00:17:11,470 --> 00:17:12,386
If you don't listen,
417
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:13,866
how can you tell me what you think?
418
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,145
"I want to make you happy, darling."
419
00:17:16,229 --> 00:17:18,584
"I want to build a nest
for your ten tiny toes."
420
00:17:18,669 --> 00:17:22,945
"I want to cover every inch of
your gorgeous body in pepper,"
421
00:17:23,029 --> 00:17:24,940
and then sneeze all over you."
422
00:17:25,029 --> 00:17:26,904
Really, sir, I must protest!
423
00:17:26,988 --> 00:17:28,664
What is the matter with you, Darling?
424
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:34,381
Well, it's all so sudden, I
mean, the nest bit's fine,
425
00:17:34,468 --> 00:17:36,743
but the pepper business is definitely out!
426
00:17:36,827 --> 00:17:38,383
How dare you tell me
427
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,902
how I may or may not
treat my beloved Georgina!
428
00:17:40,987 --> 00:17:42,022
Georgina?
429
00:17:42,107 --> 00:17:44,743
Yes, I'm working on what I
want to say to her this evening.
430
00:17:44,827 --> 00:17:46,737
Oh, yes. Of course.
431
00:17:46,826 --> 00:17:48,382
Thank God.
432
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:49,661
All right?
433
00:17:49,746 --> 00:17:51,142
Yes, I'm listening, sir.
434
00:17:51,226 --> 00:17:53,137
Honestly darling, you really are
435
00:17:53,226 --> 00:17:56,457
the most graceless,
dimwitted bumpkin I ever met.
436
00:17:56,546 --> 00:17:59,014
I don't think you should say that to her.
437
00:17:59,105 --> 00:18:01,221
[EXASPERATED GROAN]
438
00:18:02,505 --> 00:18:03,421
Where the hell's that George?
439
00:18:03,505 --> 00:18:05,141
It's three o'clock in the morning,
440
00:18:05,225 --> 00:18:07,221
he should be careful
wandering the trench at night
441
00:18:07,305 --> 00:18:09,855
with nothing to protect
his honor but a cricket box.
442
00:18:10,664 --> 00:18:12,735
Hello, Captain.
443
00:18:12,824 --> 00:18:14,895
About time! Where the hell have you been?
444
00:18:14,984 --> 00:18:17,419
Well I don't know, it's
all been like a dream,
445
00:18:17,504 --> 00:18:19,539
my very first ball.
446
00:18:19,623 --> 00:18:22,659
The music, the dancing, the champagne…
447
00:18:22,743 --> 00:18:26,134
My mind is a mad whirl of
half-whispered conversations,
448
00:18:26,223 --> 00:18:29,453
with a promise of indiscretion
ever hanging in the air.
449
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:33,331
Oh, did that old stoat Melchett
try for a snog behind the fruit cup?
450
00:18:33,422 --> 00:18:35,138
Certainly not!
451
00:18:35,222 --> 00:18:37,058
The general behaved
like a perfect gentleman.
452
00:18:37,142 --> 00:18:39,371
We tired the moon with our talking
453
00:18:39,461 --> 00:18:40,417
about everything and nothing.
454
00:18:40,501 --> 00:18:46,217
The war, marriage, proposed
changes to the LBW rule.
455
00:18:46,301 --> 00:18:48,451
Melchett isn't married, is he?
456
00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:49,974
No, no, all his life,
457
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:51,376
he's been waiting to
meet the perfect woman.
458
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:53,371
And at last, tonight, he did.
459
00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:56,213
Some poor unfortunate had old walrus-face
460
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,296
dribbling in her ear all evening, did she?
461
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,375
Well yes, as a matter of fact I did have
462
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:02,209
to drape a napkin over my shoulder.
463
00:19:04,499 --> 00:19:06,809
George, are you trying to tell me
464
00:19:06,899 --> 00:19:09,049
that you are the general's perfect woman?
465
00:19:09,139 --> 00:19:12,688
Well, yes, I rather think I am.
466
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:14,894
Well, thank God the horny old blighter
467
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,696
didn't ask you to marry him.
468
00:19:19,498 --> 00:19:21,135
He did?!
469
00:19:22,617 --> 00:19:23,733
Well, how did you get out of that one?
470
00:19:23,817 --> 00:19:26,413
Well, to be honest, sir, I'm
not absolutely certain that I did.
471
00:19:26,497 --> 00:19:27,612
What?!
472
00:19:27,697 --> 00:19:30,493
You don't understand
what it was like, sir.
473
00:19:30,577 --> 00:19:33,372
You know, the candles, the music…
The huge mustache.
474
00:19:33,456 --> 00:19:35,492
I don't know what came over me.
475
00:19:35,576 --> 00:19:37,292
You said yes?!
476
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,492
After all, sir, he is a general,
477
00:19:39,576 --> 00:19:41,291
I didn't really feel I could refuse.
478
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:43,366
He might have had me court-martialed.
479
00:19:43,455 --> 00:19:44,611
Whereas on the other hand, of course,
480
00:19:44,695 --> 00:19:46,091
he's going to give you the Victoria Cross
481
00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:49,291
when he lifts up your
frock on the wedding night
482
00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:50,809
and finds himself looking at
483
00:19:50,895 --> 00:19:52,530
the last turkey in the shop!
484
00:19:52,614 --> 00:19:55,970
Yes, I… I… I know it's a mess,
485
00:19:56,054 --> 00:19:57,530
but, you see, it got me scriffy,
486
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,370
and then when he looked into my eyes
487
00:19:59,454 --> 00:20:03,285
-and said, "Chipmunk, I love you…"
-Chipmunk?!
488
00:20:03,373 --> 00:20:05,569
It's his special name for me, you see.
489
00:20:05,653 --> 00:20:08,008
He says my nose looks
just like a chipmunk's.
490
00:20:08,093 --> 00:20:09,409
Oh, God!
491
00:20:09,493 --> 00:20:11,409
We're in serious, serious trouble here.
492
00:20:11,493 --> 00:20:13,888
If the general ever finds
out that Gorgeous Georgina
493
00:20:13,972 --> 00:20:15,804
is, in fact, a strapping six-footer
494
00:20:15,892 --> 00:20:17,288
from the rough end of the trench,
495
00:20:17,372 --> 00:20:19,682
it could precipitate the fastest execution
496
00:20:19,772 --> 00:20:20,967
since someone said,
497
00:20:21,052 --> 00:20:25,363
"This Guy Fawkes bloke,
do we let him off, or wot?"
498
00:20:25,451 --> 00:20:27,761
[PHONE RINGS]
499
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,444
Hello?
500
00:20:29,531 --> 00:20:30,847
Yes, sir.
501
00:20:30,931 --> 00:20:33,365
Straightaway, sir.
502
00:20:33,450 --> 00:20:38,246
That was your fiancé, chipmunk.
503
00:20:38,330 --> 00:20:39,559
He wants to see me.
504
00:20:39,650 --> 00:20:43,245
If I should die, think only this of me…
505
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,082
I'll be back to get you.
506
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:52,925
Sir, I can explain everything.
507
00:20:53,009 --> 00:20:55,318
Can you, Blackadder, can you?
508
00:20:55,408 --> 00:20:58,360
Well… No, sir, not really.
509
00:20:58,448 --> 00:21:00,359
I thought not, I thought not.
510
00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:03,679
Who can explain the mysteries of love?
511
00:21:03,768 --> 00:21:06,403
I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder.
512
00:21:06,487 --> 00:21:08,283
I'm going to marry her on Saturday
513
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:11,083
and I want you to be my best man.
514
00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:13,761
I don't think that would
be a very good idea, sir.
515
00:21:13,847 --> 00:21:15,075
And why not?
516
00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:18,955
Because there's something
wrong with your fiancée, sir.
517
00:21:19,046 --> 00:21:21,682
Oh, my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
518
00:21:21,766 --> 00:21:23,882
No, sir.
519
00:21:23,966 --> 00:21:26,161
Um, it's a terrible story, but true.
520
00:21:26,245 --> 00:21:27,360
Just a few minutes ago
521
00:21:27,445 --> 00:21:29,521
Georgina arrived
unexpectedly in my trench.
522
00:21:29,605 --> 00:21:32,119
She was literally dancing with joy
523
00:21:32,205 --> 00:21:34,481
as though something
wonderful had happened to her.
524
00:21:34,565 --> 00:21:35,880
Makes sense.
525
00:21:35,964 --> 00:21:37,720
Unfortunately, she was in such a daze,
526
00:21:37,804 --> 00:21:39,440
she danced straight through the trench
527
00:21:39,524 --> 00:21:40,920
and out into no-man's-land.
528
00:21:41,004 --> 00:21:44,040
I tried to stop her,
but before I could say,
529
00:21:44,124 --> 00:21:45,353
"Don't tread on a mine,"
530
00:21:45,444 --> 00:21:47,673
she trod on a mine.
531
00:21:47,763 --> 00:21:50,073
[SOBBING]
532
00:21:50,163 --> 00:21:52,359
Well, I say "a mine," it
was more a cluster of mines,
533
00:21:52,443 --> 00:21:53,879
and she was blown to smithereens,
534
00:21:53,963 --> 00:21:56,079
and as she rocketed up into the air,
535
00:21:56,163 --> 00:21:58,756
she said something I couldn't quite catch,
536
00:21:58,842 --> 00:22:01,277
something totally incomprehensible to me,
537
00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:05,435
something like, "Tell him his little
chipmunk will love him forever!"
538
00:22:05,522 --> 00:22:09,037
[HOWLING, WAILING]
539
00:22:11,321 --> 00:22:13,073
It's heartbreaking, sir.
540
00:22:13,161 --> 00:22:14,231
I'm sorry, sir.
541
00:22:14,321 --> 00:22:17,356
Oh, well, can't be
helped, can't be helped.
542
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,316
It's jolly bad luck, sir.
543
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,515
Hey ho.
544
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,676
Of course, on top of everything else,
545
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,592
without your leading lady,
546
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,356
you won't be able to put on a show.
547
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,475
So, no show, no London Palladium.
548
00:22:28,559 --> 00:22:29,955
On the contrary.
549
00:22:30,039 --> 00:22:32,508
I'm simply intending to rename it
550
00:22:32,599 --> 00:22:35,113
The Georgina Melchett Memorial Show.
551
00:22:35,199 --> 00:22:37,475
Oh no, Georgina was the only thing
552
00:22:37,559 --> 00:22:39,231
that made the show come alive.
553
00:22:39,318 --> 00:22:41,354
Apart from her, it was all awful!
554
00:22:41,438 --> 00:22:42,234
Awful!
555
00:22:42,318 --> 00:22:45,868
You'll never find another
girl like Georgina by tomorrow.
556
00:22:45,958 --> 00:22:48,313
Well, it's funny you should say that, sir,
557
00:22:48,397 --> 00:22:50,070
because I think I already have.
558
00:22:50,157 --> 00:22:51,795
-Who is she?
-Who is she?
559
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:53,313
So, come on, sir, who is she?
560
00:22:53,397 --> 00:22:55,991
Well, that's the problem.
I haven't a bloody clue!
561
00:22:56,077 --> 00:22:59,832
The only attractive woman around here
is carved out of stone, called "Venus,"
562
00:22:59,916 --> 00:23:03,989
and is standing in a fountain
in the middle of the town square
563
00:23:04,076 --> 00:23:05,672
with water coming out of her armpits.
564
00:23:05,756 --> 00:23:07,872
So we're a bit stuck.
565
00:23:07,956 --> 00:23:08,548
Morning, chaps.
566
00:23:08,636 --> 00:23:09,784
BOTH: Morning, Bob.
567
00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:11,468
You can say that again, George.
568
00:23:11,555 --> 00:23:13,191
We're in the stickiest situation
569
00:23:13,275 --> 00:23:15,346
since Sticky the Stick Insect
570
00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:18,507
got stuck on a sticky bun.
571
00:23:18,595 --> 00:23:20,630
We are in trouble.
572
00:23:20,714 --> 00:23:23,103
BALDRICK: Not any longer, sir!
573
00:23:25,434 --> 00:23:29,905
May I present my cunning plan.
574
00:23:29,993 --> 00:23:31,949
Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick!
575
00:23:32,033 --> 00:23:33,349
Can you sing, can you dance?
576
00:23:33,433 --> 00:23:35,822
Or are you offering to be sawn in half?
577
00:23:35,913 --> 00:23:38,348
I don't think those things are important
578
00:23:38,433 --> 00:23:39,549
in a modern marriage, sir.
579
00:23:39,633 --> 00:23:43,182
I offer simple home cooking.
580
00:23:43,272 --> 00:23:45,343
Baldrick, our plan is to find
581
00:23:45,432 --> 00:23:47,264
a new leading lady for our show.
582
00:23:47,352 --> 00:23:49,025
What is your plan?
583
00:23:49,112 --> 00:23:52,547
My plan is that I will
marry General Melchett.
584
00:23:52,631 --> 00:23:56,667
I am "the other woman."
585
00:23:56,751 --> 00:23:58,822
Well, congratulations, Baldrick.
586
00:23:58,911 --> 00:24:00,107
I hope you'll be very happy.
587
00:24:00,191 --> 00:24:03,306
I will, sir, 'cos when I get
back from honeymoon,
588
00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:05,381
I will be a member of the aristocracy
589
00:24:05,470 --> 00:24:08,346
and you will have to call me "m'lady."
590
00:24:08,430 --> 00:24:10,346
What happened to your
revolutionary principles?
591
00:24:10,430 --> 00:24:12,340
I thought you hated the aristocracy.
592
00:24:12,429 --> 00:24:15,740
I'm working to bring down
the system from within, sir.
593
00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:18,742
I'm a sort of a frozen horse.
594
00:24:18,829 --> 00:24:21,385
Trojan horse, Baldrick.
595
00:24:21,469 --> 00:24:23,224
Anyway, I can't see what's so stupid about
596
00:24:23,308 --> 00:24:25,458
marrying into wealth and money
597
00:24:25,548 --> 00:24:27,144
and not having to sleep in a puddle.
598
00:24:27,228 --> 00:24:29,184
Baldrick, no!
599
00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:32,101
It's the worst plan since
Abraham Lincoln said,
600
00:24:32,188 --> 00:24:34,103
"Oh, I'm sick of kicking
around the house tonight,
601
00:24:34,187 --> 00:24:36,337
let's go take in a show."
602
00:24:36,427 --> 00:24:38,896
For a start, General
Melchett is in mourning
603
00:24:38,987 --> 00:24:40,739
for the woman of his dreams.
604
00:24:40,827 --> 00:24:42,782
He's unlikely to be in the mood to marry
605
00:24:42,866 --> 00:24:45,335
a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain.
606
00:24:45,426 --> 00:24:48,339
Secondly, we are looking
for a great entertainer,
607
00:24:48,426 --> 00:24:50,302
and you're the worst entertainer since
608
00:24:50,386 --> 00:24:52,382
St. Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine
609
00:24:52,466 --> 00:24:54,695
with his trampoline act.
610
00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:57,341
No, we'll have to find somebody else.
611
00:24:57,425 --> 00:24:59,780
What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
612
00:24:59,865 --> 00:25:02,981
Corporal Cartwright
looks like an orangutan.
613
00:25:03,065 --> 00:25:04,540
I've heard of The Bearded Lady,
614
00:25:04,624 --> 00:25:08,335
but the All-Over Body Hair
lady frankly just isn't on.
615
00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:10,620
-Willis?
-Too short.
616
00:25:10,704 --> 00:25:13,340
-Petheridge?
-Too old.
617
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:15,059
Taplow?
618
00:25:15,143 --> 00:25:17,419
Too dead.
619
00:25:17,503 --> 00:25:19,255
Oh, this is hopeless.
620
00:25:19,343 --> 00:25:21,979
There just isn't anyone!
621
00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:24,213
BOB: ♪ Goodbyeee, goodbyeee ♪
622
00:25:24,303 --> 00:25:27,693
♪ Wipe the tear, baby
dear, from your eye ♪
623
00:25:27,782 --> 00:25:29,738
What am I doing?
624
00:25:29,822 --> 00:25:30,655
Bob!
625
00:25:30,742 --> 00:25:32,058
Sir?
626
00:25:32,142 --> 00:25:34,338
GEORGE: What a brilliant idea!
627
00:25:34,422 --> 00:25:38,301
Bob, can you think of anyone
who can be our leading lady?
628
00:25:40,541 --> 00:25:42,179
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
629
00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:47,376
What do you think, Bob, one more?
630
00:25:47,460 --> 00:25:48,936
No, George, always leave them hungry.
631
00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:50,169
Congratulations, Bob.
632
00:25:50,260 --> 00:25:52,576
I have to admit, I thought
you were bloody marvelous.
633
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:55,535
Permission to slip into
something more uncomfortable, sir.
634
00:25:55,619 --> 00:25:57,415
Permission granted.
635
00:25:57,499 --> 00:25:59,968
Oh sir, it's going to be wonderful.
636
00:26:00,059 --> 00:26:03,335
Not just for me, but for
my little partner, Graham.
637
00:26:03,419 --> 00:26:06,934
Doing our Charlie
Chaplin all 'round the world.
638
00:26:07,018 --> 00:26:08,929
Yes, from Shaftsbury Avenue
639
00:26:09,018 --> 00:26:10,928
to the Côte d'Azur, they'll be saying,
640
00:26:11,018 --> 00:26:12,334
"I like the little black one,
641
00:26:12,418 --> 00:26:14,134
but who's that berk he's sitting on?"
642
00:26:14,218 --> 00:26:15,614
I'm not with you, sir.
643
00:26:15,698 --> 00:26:16,812
No, of course not.
644
00:26:16,897 --> 00:26:18,333
But don't worry, we'll have years
645
00:26:18,417 --> 00:26:20,328
In luxury hotels for me to explain.
646
00:26:20,417 --> 00:26:21,533
Now you two get packing, get packing.
647
00:26:21,617 --> 00:26:23,333
The boat-train leaves at six,
648
00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:24,930
and we're going to be on it.
649
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:26,327
Blackadder.
650
00:26:26,417 --> 00:26:27,652
Ah, Darling, everything all right?
651
00:26:27,736 --> 00:26:28,965
Oh, yes.
652
00:26:29,056 --> 00:26:30,052
Got the tickets?
653
00:26:30,136 --> 00:26:31,285
Oh, yes.
654
00:26:31,376 --> 00:26:32,889
MELCHETT: Blackadder?
655
00:26:32,976 --> 00:26:34,887
Oh, hi, General. Enjoy the show?
656
00:26:34,976 --> 00:26:36,171
Don't be ridiculous,
657
00:26:36,256 --> 00:26:37,771
the worst evening I've
ever spent in my life!
658
00:26:37,855 --> 00:26:38,765
I'm sorry?
659
00:26:38,855 --> 00:26:40,891
Will you stand still
when I'm talking to you!
660
00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:43,125
If by a man's works shall ye know him,
661
00:26:43,215 --> 00:26:45,011
then you are a steaming
pile of horse manure!
662
00:26:45,095 --> 00:26:47,608
But surely, sir, the show was a triumph.
663
00:26:47,694 --> 00:26:48,604
A triumph?!
664
00:26:48,694 --> 00:26:52,210
The three twerps were one twerp short…
665
00:26:52,294 --> 00:26:55,730
Again! The slug-balancer seems now
666
00:26:55,814 --> 00:27:00,009
to be doing some feeble
impression of Buster Keaton…
667
00:27:00,093 --> 00:27:03,809
And worst of all…
The crowning turd in the water pipe…
668
00:27:03,893 --> 00:27:06,726
That revolting drag act at the end!
669
00:27:06,813 --> 00:27:08,768
Drag act?
670
00:27:08,852 --> 00:27:11,888
Yes, poor Bob Parkhurst's
being made to look a total ass!
671
00:27:11,972 --> 00:27:13,848
With that thin, reedy voice
672
00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:16,082
and that stupid effeminate dancing!
673
00:27:16,172 --> 00:27:19,800
Ah So the show's canceled… permanently.
674
00:27:20,371 --> 00:27:21,647
But what about the men's morale, sir,
675
00:27:21,731 --> 00:27:23,367
with the Russians out of
the war and everything?
676
00:27:23,451 --> 00:27:24,887
Oh for goodness sake, Blackadder,
677
00:27:24,971 --> 00:27:26,487
have you been living in a cave?
678
00:27:26,571 --> 00:27:29,126
The Americans joined the war yesterday.
679
00:27:29,210 --> 00:27:32,202
So how is that going to
improve the men's morale, sir?
680
00:27:32,290 --> 00:27:34,926
Ohhh, because, you jibbering imbecile,
681
00:27:35,010 --> 00:27:37,479
they've brought with
them the largest collection
682
00:27:37,570 --> 00:27:40,322
Of Charlie Chaplin films in existence!
683
00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,365
Oh, I've lost patience with you.
Fill him in, Darling.
684
00:27:42,449 --> 00:27:44,201
Yes, sir.
685
00:27:44,289 --> 00:27:46,325
We received a telegram this morning
686
00:27:46,409 --> 00:27:49,045
From Mr. Chaplin
himself, at Sennett Studios.
687
00:27:49,129 --> 00:27:51,802
"Twice-nightly screening
of my films in trenches,
688
00:27:51,888 --> 00:27:53,444
excellent idea." Stop.
689
00:27:53,528 --> 00:27:57,964
"But must insist E. Blackadder
be projectionist." Stop.
690
00:27:58,048 --> 00:28:02,405
"Oh, PS, don't let him ever…" stop.
691
00:28:04,007 --> 00:28:05,759
Oh, great.
692
00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:06,963
No hard feelings, eh, Blackadder?
693
00:28:07,047 --> 00:28:08,560
Not at all, Darling.
694
00:28:09,607 --> 00:28:12,519
Uh, care for a licorice allsort?
695
00:28:15,086 --> 00:28:16,884
Well, thank you.